Beautiful Dreamer

Awake

It is hard to stay awake,

To see everything and feel it.

To disconnect from the past,

In order to connect with today.

It’s hard to move on,

When you want to relive it.

To not feel bad about smiling,

To not punish yourself.

It’s hard to not name yourself,

According to what someone said.

To find your identity,

In something other than failures.

It’s hard to stay conscious,

When so many are asleep.

Living in false identities,

Based on worry and fear.

It’s hard to be silent,

To be still in the now.

To live life in this moment,

To realize this is all you have.

The Fear

A lot decisions I have made were made out of fear. Fear of being alone, fear of failing, fear of being exposed, etc. In the past I’ve found myself coming into a situation already fearing that everything would fall apart.

My fear of being alone has made me gravitate towards others who also fear.

My fear of failing has made me walk away from doing what I love.

My fear of being exposed has made me put up walls.

Love is without fear. Love is unconditional. Love banishes fear. I’ve realized I have rarely come from a place of love. Mostly because I didn’t love myself. I didn’t know how to love myself and in turn didn’t know how to love others.

I truly believe that we find commonality with those that mirror our own internal struggles. Our thoughts and feelings towards life will manifest in front of us.

No one determines my happiness. No one can complete me. No one can live my life for me. No one can say yes to my own opportunities. No one can prepare me for my own journey. I have relied too much on others out of fear that I could not face reality on my own.

I can very well face reality though. I can love what is in front of me and what is within me. I can decide where I take my life. I can be decisive. 

It’s not easy rewiring what I’ve thought for so long, but every day I wake up grateful. Everyday I challenge myself to keep trying. Everyday I make a decision to love myself and to become a better person; not just for someone else but for me. 

Vulnerability

I could easily run. I could easily get angry. I could blame and develop some inaccurate depiction of what happened in order to sleep well at night. I could take it as a victim, carrying around a weight in order for me to reinforce a worn out perspective that, “life is out to get me.” I could push it so far away and become so self righteous that I stay the same or become more disheartened and jaded. I could mask my insecurities with idle chatter about how I was the innocent one. I could deny every feeling, declaration, and moments of vulnerability so I could “move forward.” I could achieve, not for my own good, but in order to prove a point that I’m “strong.”

That’s who I’ve always been, but that’s not who I want to be anymore.

This time I want to feel everything. I want to cry when I feel the need to. I want to see it for what it was and what it is now, knowing that what happened was meant to happen. I want to accept my faults but also acknowledge the growth that took place. I want to face my weaknesses head on and find a path towards progress. What I felt was real, every declaration was genuine, and I do not regret any action made. I will want to dissect but I will take it for what it was. I cannot change anything nor would I ever want to. There is beauty in loss, and in order to grow we must be willing to feel uncomfortable for awhile. I know in due time it will get easier. I also know that this chapter has to be closed in order for another to begin. I am thankful for what was and thankful for this moment. All I can do is be present, be patient, and to be open.

Limited

Our soul suffers within our limited perspective.

We continually chain our minds to places and ideas.

Putting pressure on ourselves to make things work.

As if to say that if we broke free we would suffer more.

When in actuality we would breathe easier.

We limit our strength in tiny worlds and tiny thoughts.

Becoming shadows on a myriad of walls.

Trying not to disrupt or hurt, even if we are not ourselves.

How long will it take to understand the soul?

How long will it take to know your own voice?

The voices pile on in your mind.

Scattering you, and fragmenting you.

If you only understood how unlimited your potential is.

If you only understood how easily you can change.